Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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