I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
