his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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