I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
