i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
