there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
