Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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