remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
