im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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