Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
