the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
