I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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