the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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