Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
