I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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