Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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