i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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