The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
we should paint friendship bongs
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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