Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize
