Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
