i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
