dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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