I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Your dad touched me again.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
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