Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
