I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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