I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
