I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Randomize
