My hand turned me down
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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