haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I need a beard to bite.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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