I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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