Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i drank out of a bidet.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
