My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Randomize
