one two three fourrrrnication!
never play flip cup with pint glasses
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
