A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
