I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
