I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
