made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
