Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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