I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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