perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
