true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
