The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
