Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
