Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
