Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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