I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I am in a vortex of obligation.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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