Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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