Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
only you would photoshop your dick
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
