i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
