I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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