I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
